Let’s get into it!
The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives
I can’t believe The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives premiered less than week ago. I feel like I don’t remember life before it??? I binged all eight episodes in two days, then have spent countless hours on TikTok learning the BTS info, though I refused to watch the Nick Viall interviews because he is a predatory leech and my sworn enemy. If you haven’t tuned in what are you doing? Stop reading and start watching. I feel like Bill Hader’s Stefon when I talk about this show. It has everything- women who refuse to drink coffee and instead gulp down at least 44oz of soda a day and can’t have alcohol but do ketamine therapy and get laughing gas every single time they get botox (which is often!), swinging, cheating, a closeted husband with a hair transplant, a woman named Jennifer Affleck, a 17-year age gap marriage, TikTok dancing while your baby’s in the hospital with RSV.
Yes, it has some serious flaws,- it’s overproduced and they don’t talk enough about the swinging (partially because two of the three main girls from the MomTok swinging refused to be a part of the show), and some of the more interesting thing about the cast members were left out like Mayci’s baby daddy died in a car crash while she was 19 and pregnant and Mikayla has an unexplained chronic illness that causes rashes all over her body! Instead we focused on mean ass Whitney. While it’s obviously entertaining, it’s also such an interesting look at the harmful effects of oppressive religion (some would say cult). I could dissect that for days- weeks!- but we must move on to another crazy blonde.
Chimp Crazy
Spoilers ahead for Chimp Crazy!
WOW. Crazy is the right word here. The final episode of Chimp Crazy premiered on Sunday and we finally got Tonka out of that hell hole of a basem*nt, thank God! I have never been a huge fan of PETA but my God I love that lawyer Tonia calls Pee-Wee Herman. His smirks and smugness and constant “Well duh yeah, Tonia is obviously lying” attitude reaaaaally did something for me! Like yes babe, free those chimps!! Whatever you gotta do baby, I support you!
Again, looking at this like a study of human psychology, it’s absolutely fascinating. I was so glad they got into Tonia’s background as a foster mother and the psychology of women who “mother” baby chimps. They truly believe these animals that they keep locked in cages and stuff full of candy and McDonald’s are their babies. She said she’d give up everything- her marriage, children, job, anything just to be with Tonka.1 Despite all of her bad, I do have sympathy for Tonia, because if someone tried to take my dog, Albert, away from me, I’d also lose my damn mind. But I fear hers was gone long ago.
I loved Chimp Crazy so much, though the things they put these animals through were tough to watch. I did cry when Tonka walked into the outdoor space at the sanctuary for the first time and when he was playing with the other chimps on his new island home. I also teared up when I found out via some Googling after watching that one of the chimps Tonka immediately took to at the sanctuary was his biological son! And I almost cried again just now writing about it. I’m so glad he’s out of Tonia’s “care” and I hope she also gets the help she needs. Chloe Fineman did a perfect impression of her that you must see.
Not The VMAs
The VMAs also happened last night and idk…do people care about those anymore? Since streamers took over awards shows have been hit hard. I remember a time when I never would’ve missed seeing the moon men handed out and maybe it’s because I refuse to get a VPN to watch or because I’m not a teenager anymore but I don’t really care. I’ve seen the clips that matter! Obviously Chappell Roan was going to win, and of course Taylor Swift2 would win. Katy Perry did a great performance of her hits, but they gave her an “Iconic Performance” award for her performance of Roar over Britney/Christina/Madonna performance. I’m sorry- do y’all remember her Roar performance more than the Britney and Madonna kiss? Didn’t think so. Addison Rae wore this insanely bad outfit, but again- who’s to say how I’d dress if my bod looked like that.
The Earth is Healing
StassieBaby, Kylie Jenner, and their former bestie Jordyn Woods have reunited. I don’t know why I care about this but I do! Now, if I were Jordyn, would I forgive Stassie for throwing constant shade? Would I forgive Kylie for abandoning our years of friendship after her sister blamed me for the fact that her on-and-off baby daddy kissed me when I was drunk at a bar even though the entire family accepts and forgives him? No. No, I wouldn’t. But I don’t know the intricacies of their relationship and seeing the three back together did warm my heart a little.
New EGOTs
The Creative Arts Emmys also happened last weekend, which people usually overlook but we got two new EGOTs! If you don’t know, an EGOT is someone who has won an Emmy, Oscar, Grammy, and Tony award. It’s a term coined in the mid-80’s and there are only 21 people who’ve done this, including Benj Pasek and Justin Paul who won Best Song at the CA Emmys for co-writing “Which of the Pickwick Triplets Did It?” from a show I love, Only Murders in the Building.
Very Rockstar of Him
Dave Grohl posted this weird ass instagram post owning up to the fact that he’s fathered a child outside of his marriage. I saw a tweet I wish I could credit that said it was a huge missed opportunity to not start the post with “I’ve got another confession to make”.
The Other Other Former Jennifer Affleck
Architectural Digest did a home tour of Jennifer Garner’s house in L.A. and she just seems like the nicest lady in Hollywood. Her humility of constantly saying “I’m so lucky” and the giddiness she gets from her custom home is so sweet. I’d die for those fruit trees and that garden.
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1
I know some people on TikTok are saying it seems Tonka is more a husband than a child to her if you know what I mean but look that is perverse and I don’t believe it!
2
She thankfully finally made a statement supporting Kamala after hanging with friends who are noted vocal republicans, but she is still bad side for letting her beard boyfriend wear this horrible hat
